If anyone at all is unhappy that I am in ministry again, I can point out who exactly is at fault.
Most may little understand why Pastor Gary is so special to me. At a time of a great personal failure in my life, he was willing to express God's grace to me. For five years, on a weekly basis, he met with me as an expression of pastoral care and restoration. I doubt very much that I would be back in ministry or maybe in the faith if it wasn't for his concern and commitment to me as a person in need of much healing and grace.
Grace doesn't come very easily when you screw up as badly as I did. Personal failures, poor choices and a divorce, led to the loss of my life as I knew it. Marriage, family, home and career all evaporated. Most of my friends also disappeared, whether by circumstance or by choice, I never really knew. It was a pretty miserable time.
And church? Omigod! Church was the great wall of silence as people sort of tiptoed around and wouldn't or didn't have much to say.
In a situation like that, thank God for one person who is willing to throw you a life preserver rather than simply allow you to flounder around in the water. Pastor Gary held on to me. He wouldn't let me go. And although there were days in his office that I would be frustrated, crying and swearing a blue streak, eff-ing this and that, he managed to hang in there with me. Every single week. I'm not sure that I have that capacity to care for people as profoundly as he did for me.
My return to ministry and my being in the faith, truth be told, is due in great part to Gary being there faithfully and consistently at the worst time in my life. Would others have done this? I don't know. Many pastors were strangely distant at that time and some continue to be. Regardless, thank God that Pastor Gary was there.
Another pastor I would meet in the year after my separation was Pastor Jairton.
I wasn't interested. Much as I loved Brazil, I had failed miserably and had nothing to offer. My answer was NO.
He looked me in the eye and with his hand on my shoulder and in a clear voice reminded me, "You know, John, grace is not for us when we are good and perfect. Grace is for us when we have failed."
Wow! I knew that somewhere on an intellectual level. But coming from an Asian American Christian cultural world view, I really didn't GET it. I wasn't feeling it. It was as though the grace of God didn't apply to me. It was out of my reach. Or perhaps I felt that I was out of God's reach.
I told Jairton that I would come visit his church, just to keep connected with the Brazilian language and culture. "And see."
It wasn't as though I was being asked to speak or to lead any studies. I was just invited to be a part of that fellowship. But it was something that was needed at that time. A place to be part of a family. I would end up staying there for about a year.
When you have fallen into a pile of manure and you get up smelling like excrement, you can understand why people give you a wide berth. A failed pastor is like that. You feel as though you are wearing people repellent. So it is a special expression of kindness when someone wants to meet, have a meal and talk together. Someone who took the initiative time and time again over the years was Pastor Rick.
I'm grateful for the longevity of our friendship and the pastoral care that Rick has shown me, both then and now. It's been a blessing to know when someone's got your back. Especially someone who has heard from my own lips (as well as from others) about how deeply I had fallen into that manure pile!
Finding faith is a gift of God. Re-finding faith is a function of grace, expressed both by God and by people like Rick, Jairton and Gary.
Returning to ministry requires all of that plus the trust and confidence of someone willing to say, "I believe in him."
That person for me has been Rev. Sam.
Checking in with me over the years. Charting my ups and downs. Reviewing and reflecting on my progress, emotionally, spiritually and relationally, Rev. Sam was willing to step up when the question arose as to my readiness to return to ministry. Responding positively to an inquiry from an independent church in Camarillo, his recommendation led to my being interviewed for a part time pastoral position there.
As the JEMS Executive Director, Rev Sam also worked with the JEMS board to negotiate my return to care for the part-time administrative function of South America missions in 2008. After my departure from the Camarillo pastorate in 2011, I returned to more-or-less full-time work with JEMS.
If you were to track my spiritual journey from those days, you would discover that the road was a narrow and rocky one.
The difference between continuing with Christ or abandoning the walk entirely was pretty razor thin. But I am convinced that God brought key men into my life to help me maintain my footing when I had stumbled and fallen. They served to stabilize and restore my spiritual life in a time of huge struggle. For this I am grateful to God and to each of them.
There remain those who after fifteen years do not believe that I have a place in ministry. That I do not merit such an opportunity. It is not for me to convince them otherwise. It is my blessing that God rebuilds us, not based on merit, but upon his grace and mercy. Do I deserve it? Absolutely not. And that is the point. That is the gospel.
